Hi no Harinezumi (hhog) wrote,
Hi no Harinezumi
hhog

So, here I am, again...!

Wow, took me long enough to get back here, huh? I've only just now really been feeling decent enough to write a bit of a text-wall again.

I guess ever since life's been dealing me a string of bad hands, I hadn't really been in the mood to come here for a while. I mean, after losing my mom, one of my cats, my favourite comic store and having to move out of the place I've lived at for the last 7 years, subsequently losing the Moogle Cavern, my favourite internet hangout soon after all of that was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back, there.
As far as Internet-matters were concerned, anyway. I mean, for the majority of my "E-life", the MC has played the greatest part in my online interaction with people, by far.
Oh, of course the community's still together for the most part, and we've managed to get ourselves out of a rut we were never really able to climb out of back when we were still the MC, but back then it was a pretty devastating blow, y'know?
But enough about that. People'd almost think I was incapable of talking about anything else for the last few years (and they were often right).

Frankly, I'm incredibly surprised at myself, staying so relatively stable-minded despite everything. Even though my aunt's worried I might be repressing my feelings, I... I don't know. Maybe I never had the chance to really sit down and cope with everything, since by the time one thing settled down, something else came up for me to worry about.
Who knows, maybe I have snapped, and I just don't know it yet. c_c

Then again, remembering how much my family and friends, let alone my mom's friends and collegues practically smothered me with care, sympathy and attention, that might've made a whole lot better.
I mean, on one hand I feel I might not have let it show enough how much of an impact everything has made on me, but on the other hand, there's way too much responsibilities for me to keep my mind occupied with, y'know?
Aside from that, there's still the little matter of a personal life I don't want to neglect (but am often in the progress of doing at times, regardless).

My friends have been dragging me along to practically everywhere for the past few months. Bars, clubs, general downtown loitering, that sorta stuff. While those are certainly among the things people my age generally keep themselves occupied with, I have to admit I was never that outgoing before my mom passed on. It leaves me wondering why I only started doing this kind of stuff now.
Was I holding myself back, being afraid about worrying mom? Or perhaps I subconsciously used my mom as some sort of excuse not to head out so I could just stay safe at home browsing the web every night? My friends always said she was pretty strict with the times I was supposed to be home at, whereas I personally found it quite reasonable.
But then again, of course there also was the matter of my responsibilities I had towards the care of my grandmother, who, if I may remind everyone, has been living in with my mom and I for almost 6 years, and required practically constant care.
.....
...Ah. Here come the waterworks. About time.

...Heh. Maybe I was right earlier. Maybe I've finally reached the point where I'm not afraid to live my own life anymore.
There's still a lot of matters to take care of, and I feel I might've been slacking off a bit in that regard (so what else is new?), but I'm still young.  I might have other things in life I want to pursue, as well.
And maybe my mom didn't exactly leave me in the most ideal of situations, but I hope I'm managing myself well enough despite everything.
Perhaps better then a guy in my situation normally would. As much as that bugs me, I suppose I should be grateful that I'm not hunched together in the fetal position, shivering in a dark corner or something like that.

I'll be okay, eventually.
I owe my mom that much, after all she gave me so I could live a decent life, the least I can do to repay the favour is to enjoy it.
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